Dave Lizewski: I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You’d think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives we all wanted to be a superhero..
Who am I? I’m Kick-Ass!
I guess I was the last person you would expect to become a superhero. I’m not saying there was anything wrong with me. But there was nothing special either. I wasn’t into sport. I wasn’t a mathlete, or a hardcore gamer. I didn’t have a piercing, or a eating disorder, or three thousand friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls. And out of my friends man, I wasn’t even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed..
.
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Ask me what bicycle I would have bought in 1995.
C’mon ask me.
.
Ask me what bike would have won me lots of races and bagged me all the babes.
.
C’mon ask me.
C’mon.
.
Aw, c’mon.
I know you want to know.
.
C’mon.
C’mon just ask me.
.
.
Aw, c’mon man. Ask me.
.
.
Ok, I’ll tell you.
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A 1995 Colnago Master Olympic with whacky paint and Campagnolo’s latest Record group (post C Record era).
It was what everyone wanted.
It was what everyone wanted.
It appears that the whole world celebrated the fade of fluorescence at the end of the 1990’s. But, if one knows where to look, it still survives in the shadows amongst trolls, miscreants, cripples, and the socially awkward.
At some point we have all aspired to a life less ordinary. Not necessarily the spotlight of public scrutiny nor the burden of leaving a legacy, but the thrill of an occasional punctuation. One of these will do quite nicely thanks.
Campagnolo. Record. Titanium.
And friends.
There is such a thing as Love. And it comes in polished aluminium. With dual pivots.
Bolt-on plastic cable guides..
.. and plastic handlebar-tape locks. Like the pocket protector, comfortable shoes, and wearing sunscreen in the midday sun. Such sensible ideas in search of a context to be cool.
Threaded headset with spacer. Practical for some. Elegant it is not.
Purple-orange preposterousness. Colnago came up with some whacked-out colourways during the decor period.
Some will see this as a misguided smudge of colour. A drug-induced misadventure. I prefer to see this as the transcendent Lino Tagliapietra meets the humdrum of human-powered transportation.
Regal saddle
And the C Record post.
Some say they fracture resulting in a spike up where the sun don’t shine. I say the stigma over colostomies is overrated.
Once upon a time even club riders raced on tubulars. Then came Continental’s Grand Prix.
1994 marked the end of the C Record era. 1995 the King is dead. Long live the King.
Campagnolo’s second generation slant parallelogram (not counting the 1988 Chorus RD). + titanium bolt. = Awesome.
Omega 19s. Campagnolo’s take on Mavic’s groundbreaking Open 4CDs.
The 1995 Record front derailleur.
The 1995 Record chainset.
(Note the 50T ring, wide gear ratio, and aforementioned raised stem. Watson, methinks the owner might be an older chap)
(Note the 50T ring, wide gear ratio, and aforementioned raised stem. Watson, methinks the owner might be an older chap)
And wealthy, Holmes. This whole thing screams top-end. Matter of fact it even says so.
(They spell it out for the completely clueless: Campagnolo = like totally synched, Record = like totally pro)
(They spell it out for the completely clueless: Campagnolo = like totally synched, Record = like totally pro)
By 1995 the hubset and seatpost were the last remaining remnants of the C Record aesthetic.
What may emerge if you lock Mr Tagliapietra in a room with a production bicycle frame and a rattle can..
Mr Campagnolo. And Mr Colnago. As it should be.
Ewesto Coluago totally wocks.
At some point we have all aspired to a life less ordinary.
.
So ask me how many races I won and how many babes I bagged.
.
C’mon ask me.
.
.
Not telling.
Dave: How come nobody has ever tried to be a superhero?
Marty: (reading, distracted) Well, I don’t know. Probably because it’s fucking impossible dipshit.
Dave: What? Putting on a mask and helping people? How’s that impossible?
Todd: Well that’s not superhero though. You said super. Super as in stronger than everybody and flying and shit. That’s just hero.
Marty: No, it’s not even hero. It’s just fucking psycho.
Todd: (approvingly) Hmm.
Dave: Hello? Bruce Wayne? He didn’t have any special powers.
Todd: Yes. But he has all that expensive shit that doesn’t exist. I thought you meant how come nobody does it in real life.
Dave: Yeah Todd! That’s what I meant!
Marty: Dude. If anybody does it in real life they’d get their ass kicked! They’d be dead in about a day.
Todd: (nodding) A day..
Dave: Yeah ok, I’m not saying you should do it. I just can’t figure out why nobody does. Seriously of all the millions of people who love superheroes, you’d think one would give it a try..
Dave: Jesus guys! Does it not bug you why thousands of people want to be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spiderman?
Marty: Yeah, like what’s with that? She has like no tits at all.
Todd: Maybe it’s the porn tape. He hasn’t got a porn tape.
Marty: You guys never saw One Night with Spiderman?
(Dave, Todd, and Marty laugh as Chris D'Amico and his minder pull in)
